No Fear Cavalier?

I knew that I was safe. I knew that we hadn't engaged in any risky activities yet. There had been no sex, just cuddling and kissing. Still, my next day at work was full of research and not for any of my clients.

I found discussion boards and articles for "Mixed-Status Couples." (The best one I found is here.) It hit me that I'm part of that population now. Did I really want to be?

I sat at my desk with a printed copy of the email and tried to dissect it and come up with a solution that would work for me. Sure I had an out but was it the right thing to do? If my boyfriend had cancer, would I run away? Why was I treating this any differently then any other disease out there?

Because I could die, too.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I hope you can understand that it's not easy to talk about & why it might be hard. I honestly didn't have any bad intentions & just wanted to enjoy spending time you before life had to intrude.

The Aftermath

I got in my car and drove and cried. I called my boyfriend, went to his house, held him in my arms and cried more. The tears kept coming until my eyes hurt. There was nothing more I could cry. And then it happened, I freaked out.

I became irrational. I though about every kiss we had. The scratch on his arm from the cat seemed like a death trap. I couldn't deal with it I had to leave. Red and puffy, I stood up and left.

I feel like I need to give you an out. I will have no hard feelings if you need one. Maybe one benefit of an email is that now you can think about what this means for you and go from there and not be forced to respond on the spot, face to face. Take your time. Do what you need to do. I really would be very happy to hear back from you, but do what's easy for you & I'll deal.

I didn't think; I just reacted. When I finally had a chance to think, I got ill.

How I Found Out

I found out that my boyfriend is positive in an email. I know what you're thinking; it should've been done face-to-face. At the time I was upset with how it was done, but the email gave me time to calm down before I reacted. I guess I was able to attempt to reason through what was going on, though I wasn't very good at that first night.

The email also gave me something obsess over. I printed it out. I carried it with me and every few minutes I'd reread it hoping it would say something different. Hundreds and maybe even thousands of times I've read this email now and each time I still get choked up.

Over the next few weeks I want to share with you the pieces email I received and what it meant to me.

I hadn't originally planned to talk about this over email, but it's been harder to talk about face to face than I expected. Well... maybe not harder than I expected, just hard in general & I think you'll understand once I stop beating around the bush and get to the damn point.

I've tried to get a read on how you'll react to this, but I can't quite figure out your thoughts yet. [...] Anyway, I continue to ramble. I'm HIV+.

So there it was in black and white. HIV+. I couldn't believe how hard those words were to read. I think I started crying immediately.

HIV Discordant

I found out on April 30th that I am one half of an HIV-discordant couple. That means that means that my boyfriend has HIV and I don't. I've been having a really hard time dealing with all of this so I'm starting an anonymous blog to talk about my issues. I hope others who are in similar situations find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in this. There are other couples like them.